Suck My Caucus

Former Finnish president Martti Ahtisaari won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on resolving international conflicts and for having double letters in both his first and last name.  Said a Nobel committee spokesperson, “That is completely awesome.”

The Dow Jones dropped another 679 points, reaching a five-year low.  John McCain offered to help inflate the economy by sending Wall Street all of those tire gauges he made over the summer.

In advance of an ethics report from state legislators, Republican campaign officials released their own report clearing Sarah Palin of any wrongdoing in the Troopergate case.  Officials from the Obama campaign said, “Well, if that’s all it takes, then we release this report that says that Barack Obama never actualy met William Ayers, and also that Obama once killed a bear with his mind.”

Sudanese President Omar al-Beshir rejected the allegations of war crimes against him, and said they were “made up.”  He added, “Not only that, but Darfur is actually a place located near the Shire, and no more real.”

The Dow dropped 679 points, the sixth day in a row the Dow suffered a triple digit loss.  President Bush will address the American people about the financial crisis on Friday, although most Americans will probably wonder why President Obama isn’t saying anything.

Sarah Palin incorrectly said that Congress bans oil exports in response to a question at a town hall meeting.  A McCain campaign spokesperson responded, “Who the fuck let her near a question?”

John McCain said Barack Obama is being dishonest about his relationship with Weather Undergrond founder William Ayers.  He also added, “Obama. Terrorist. Obama. Terrorist. Obama. Terrorist. Obama. Terrorist. Obama. Terrorist. Obama. Terrorist. Obama. Terrorist. Rezko.”

To help control the financial crisis engulf the country, Iceland has seized its largest bank and created a new bank to take over the operations of another failed bank.  That gave Henry Paulson an idea…

The federal government may take ownership stakes in some U.S. banks to prevent further financial disaster.  That weird noise you faintly hear in the air today is the combined sound of Ronald Reagan sobbing and Vladimir Lenin laughing from beyond the grave!!!

The NRA endorsed John McCain. Because it would’ve been hard for its members to figure out who to vote for next month.

The Suck My Caucus staff would like to wish all of our Jewish readers a good Yom Kippur.  While reading this, try not to think of delicious, delicious food.

The Federal Reserve lowered interest rates, but the stock markets declined again.  President Bush said that if the world does not act soon, the United States will move unilaterally to take out Dow Jones.

Barack Obama said that John McCain is only bringing up his past association with William Ayers to “score cheap political points.”  McCain responded saying, “Senator Obama just does not understand.  That’s the whole point of political attacks.”

Suck My Caucus’s own Dan Filowitz Twittered the presidential debate.  All times Central.  And, as usual, Dan tends to hate the moderator the most in these debates.

8:05pm: Lots of standing and sitting …. Advantage, not-old-guy

8:09pm: First guy to sit on an audience members lap wins!

8:10pm: Headline: McCain kicks Tom Brokaw in the throat.

8:15pm: Headline: McCain loses the vote of people named Freddie or Fannie.

8:20pm: I think McCain says to stabilize the housing market he wants to buy more houses … Don’t you have enough, sir?

8:25pm: McCain is winded only 25 minutes in … Call a timeout!

8:26pm: FYI - Tom Brokaw looks orange in HD.

8:30pm: Brokaw is a scold. Give the next guy who goes over a minute a time out.

8:33pm: Rudy is going to sue Obama for using 9/11 in a debate.

8:37pm: McCains jello on the wall joke: FAIL

8:40pm: I’ve got a job program: train Americans to be debate moderators. Our current ones suck.

8:45pm: Brokaw is FUMING. Lesson: don’t ever be late to dinner at Brokaw’s house.

8:51pm: Everyone in the room is McCain’s friend, except for Obama, and Brokaw.

8:55pm: Thought exercise: if McCain said “I agree with Senator Obama” what would explode?

9:02pm: The greatest force for good in history: ben and jerry.

9:09pm: I agree with John - we need a cool hand at the tiller. That’s why I’m voting for Paul Newman.

9:18pm: Um, didn’t McCain crash three or four planes during his military career? Responsibility?

9:20pm: Okay, McCain said Obama was right about something. My left eyeball exploded.

9:36pm: Final verdict: I win. I always win. Wu Tang is for the kids.

U.S. and global markets have continued to decline over concerns about worldwide recession.  Barack Obama leapt out of bed this morning and said, “I am totally going to be pres… wait, didn’t we do this bit yesterday?

The Tampa Bay Rays beat to Chicago White Sox to reach the ALCS for the first time in the team’s history.  The team’s success after a history of dysfunction and ineptitude has given the GOP hope for Election Day.

Barack Obama and John McCain will debate for the second time tonight.  McCain hopes to show that Obama is unfit to be president by showing clips of Fred Armisen’s really horrible impersonation of him.

Speaking on a radio show about the negativity of the campaign against him, Barack Obama said “We don’t throw the first punch, but we’ll throw the last.”  The McCain campaign immediately released an ad accusing Obama of “wanting to punch the elderly and infirm.”