Suck My Caucus

Suck My Caucus has closed up shop.  We are now just another piece of clutter on the shoulder of the information superhighway.  Thanks for reading!

Frank McCourt has died at the age of 78.

Walter Cronkite has died at the age of 92.

Speaking in Michigan, President Obama outlined a plan to spend $12 billion to improve community colleges.  Said Republicans in response, “Community colleges?  They don’t even have football teams!”

During the second day of her confirmation hearings, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor did not say anything controvesial or unusual while defending some of her previous remarks.  Said Senator Jeff Sessions, “I guess she really is a wise Latina.”

Speaking in the Rose Garden, President Obama said about health care reform, “Don’t bet against us, we are going to make this thing happen because the American people desperately need it.’’  Republican critics say this contradicts a portion of the health care reform bill which would pay to insure the poor by wagering heavily against the health care reform bill passing.

According to government officials, the CIA had a plan in place since 2001 to assassinate the leaders of Al Qaeda.  The plan was code named “Breathtakingly Obvious.”

Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation hearings begin today. Legal experts beleive Sotomayor may even get a word in edgewise during all the political grandstanding.

According to sources, CIA director Leon Panetta told the House intelligence committee that the agency withheld information about a secret counterterroism program from Congress for eight years by direct order from Dick Cheney.  Said Cheney, “Why in the world would I tell people about a secret who are just going to lose an election two years later and then be back on the streets?”

Sen. Roland Burris will not seek re-election in 2010. In a statement, he said, “I got tired of people saying, ‘Well, you’re no Barack Obama.’”

According to a study by the New York Times, the 100 largest metropolitan areas in the United States are getting less than half the money from the largest source of federal transportation stimulus money.  The analysis also found that rural areas are twice as likely to name a school or church after a generous state legislator.

Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan said she will not run for governor or Senate.  She said, “I’m too pretty to go to jail.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he is skeptical about the ability to work with Republicans on health care reform.  Said Reid, “I can’t be entirely sure, but theres’s something in my gut that says these guys really don’t want to help us on this one.”

Leaders of several guns rights groups have asked the Senate to oppose the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court.  In a letter to several senators, these groups said, “Remember, guns don’t kill people.  Leaders of gun rights groups who don’t get what they want kill people.”

People in Moscow responded indifferently to President Obama’s visit, as opposed to in other cities where he draws large crowds.  Said one resident, “Eh, he’s okay, but give me a call when he writes Thriller.”

Al Franken has been sworn in as senator, giving Democrats 60 seats in the Senate.  He then introduced his first bill, which declared Stuart Saves His Family as the official movie of Congress.

President Obama and Russian President Dmitri Medvedev signed an agreement to cut U.S. and Russian nuclear weapons by a quarter.  Kim Jong-Il took this as an act of war and immediately tested more missiles.

President Obama lifted restrictions on stem cell research put into place during the Bush administration. He also lifted President Bush’s ban on J. G. Thirlwell albums.