Suck My Caucus

Speaking in Michigan, President Obama outlined a plan to spend $12 billion to improve community colleges.  Said Republicans in response, “Community colleges?  They don’t even have football teams!”

During the second day of her confirmation hearings, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor did not say anything controvesial or unusual while defending some of her previous remarks.  Said Senator Jeff Sessions, “I guess she really is a wise Latina.”

Speaking in the Rose Garden, President Obama said about health care reform, “Don’t bet against us, we are going to make this thing happen because the American people desperately need it.’’  Republican critics say this contradicts a portion of the health care reform bill which would pay to insure the poor by wagering heavily against the health care reform bill passing.

According to government officials, the CIA had a plan in place since 2001 to assassinate the leaders of Al Qaeda.  The plan was code named “Breathtakingly Obvious.”

According to sources, CIA director Leon Panetta told the House intelligence committee that the agency withheld information about a secret counterterroism program from Congress for eight years by direct order from Dick Cheney.  Said Cheney, “Why in the world would I tell people about a secret who are just going to lose an election two years later and then be back on the streets?”

According to a study by the New York Times, the 100 largest metropolitan areas in the United States are getting less than half the money from the largest source of federal transportation stimulus money.  The analysis also found that rural areas are twice as likely to name a school or church after a generous state legislator.

Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan said she will not run for governor or Senate.  She said, “I’m too pretty to go to jail.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he is skeptical about the ability to work with Republicans on health care reform.  Said Reid, “I can’t be entirely sure, but theres’s something in my gut that says these guys really don’t want to help us on this one.”

Leaders of several guns rights groups have asked the Senate to oppose the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court.  In a letter to several senators, these groups said, “Remember, guns don’t kill people.  Leaders of gun rights groups who don’t get what they want kill people.”

People in Moscow responded indifferently to President Obama’s visit, as opposed to in other cities where he draws large crowds.  Said one resident, “Eh, he’s okay, but give me a call when he writes Thriller.”

SMC will be on break until July 6.

Try to keep everything together while we’re gone.  We don’t want your falling apart on our conscience.

Terry McCauliffe lost the primary election to be the Democratic nominee for governor of Virginia.  Said McCauliffe after the election, “This never would have happened if Bill Clinton was still alive.”

The Senate confirmation hearings for Sonia Sotomayor have been scheduled to begin on July 13.  Experts say this is the earliest it possibly could be, but still might not draw as much interest as a Nationals-Rays game on the same day.

President Obama said his proposed economic stimulus package would save or create 600,000 jobs.  Critics say most of those jobs would just be for people to come to every state and explain to people how this stimulus package actually works.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor tripped at LaGuardia Airport and broke her ankle.  Newt Gingrich says this makes her unqualified to be on the Court, since she will “now obviously have a biased view about the need for national health care.”

The United States is considering placing North Korea back on the list of state sponsors of terrorism.  Critics say this is a bad move, and will only enable the further recruiting of new North Koreans.

Due to the closing of abortion clinics in Wichita, Kansas after the killing of Dr. George Tiller, many anti-abortion protesters have had nothing to do and nowhere to go.  Said Operation Rescue president Troy Newman, “Hey, I just heard this, but did you guys know the economy is really fucked up right now?”

Speaking at the National Press Club, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that he supported the idea of gay marriage.  He also said he’d have no problem if the President decided to name all gay people enemy combatants so they could be married by a military tribunal.