Suck My Caucus

In part two of our look at the best of SMC during the past year, we look at the news that you might have ignored while you were trying to figure out whether or not Barack Obama hated America.

Some Competitors Were Foaming Mad
Grant Achatz was named the nation’s top chef by the James Beard foundation. His award was a gold reduction presented on a deconstructed ribbon.

Sometimes A Bit Just Jumps Out At You
The European Union has proposed a partial ban on seal products.  Said one member of the European Parliament, “We’re really jealous that he’s boinking Heidi Klum.”

Everyone Was Too Busy Watching Virginia Polls To Notice
Russia, Iran, and Qatar are in discussions to form a natural gas cartel.  At their first meeting, they decided to call themselves the “Axis of Diesel.”

Iron-Deficient Man Lacked Box Office Mettle
Iron Man topped the box office this weekend, making more than $100 million. Surprisingly, Irony Man only did well in theaters near independent coffee shops.

Welcome To The Family
According to reports, Jamie-Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby girl. Hours later on TMZ.com there were pictures posted of the new baby’s vagina.

Keep Hope Alive
The parents of Israeli Cpl. Gilad Schalit, who was captured by Hamas two years ago, received a letter from him, delivered by representatives of Jimmy Carter. The parents thanked Carter, but said “Jesse Jackson would have delivered us our entire son.”

The Signs Of Progress Are Having Coffee And Beignets With The Iraqi WMDs
President Bush says he sees “hopeful signs of progress” in New Orleans three years after Katrina.  He added, “What I’m most impressed about is how far you’ve all come with so little help.”

Pork Fat Rules With An Iron Fist
Thai PM Samak Sundaravej resigned after a court ruled that appearing on his own cooking show violated Thailand’s constitution.  Yet Rachael Ray is allowed to roam free despite being a Palestinian sympathizer.

Down Goes Mukasey, Down Goes Mukasey
Attorney General Michael Mukasey collapsed while giving a speech at the Federalist Society.  Aides said that they didn’t think it was a good idea for him to start his speech saying, “If there’s anything wrong with me speaking to the Federalist Society, may God strike me down where I stand.”

Don’t Get Any Ideas, David Schwimmer
Jennifer Aniston posed nude, wearing nothing but a tie, for the January edition of GQ. After the shoot, Angelina Jolie took the tie.

BONUS BEST OF SMC!!!
Here are our favorite obituaries of the year.  That we have favorite obituaries should say a little something about the tone of this website.

We Need A Suggestion Of A Location That Can Fit Inside A Coffin
Paul Sills, one of the founders of Second City, died at 80.

Yes, She Was Still Alive. Until Recently.
Estelle Getty has died at the age of 84.

Good Thing He Wears A Robe, Because Jesus Probably Has A Hard On Right Now
Bettie Page died at age 85.

Read Part One.

It’s an annual tradition at SMC to go through all the posts we write each year and select our favorites. This is no easy task: we’ve written around 1,350 posts this year, and each one is precious to us.  Well, except for that one bit Chris did about Taylor Hicks, because it wasn’t funny.  Still, it pissed off Taylor Hicks fans, so that’s got to be something, right?

Anyway, rather than just narrow ourselves down to our 10 favorite posts, we decided to narrow ourselves down to our 20 favorite posts.  In part one, we take on the presidential election.  As you may have heard, they’re still calling it the White House, but that’s a temporary condition.

Seriously, Lorne, You Couldn’t Find a Black Actor In New York?
Many pundits felt that Sen. Hillary Clinton made a tactical error during last night’s debate by bringing up a Saturday Night Live sketch making fun of the media’s obsession with Sen. Barack Obama because it’s never a good idea during a debate to reference a minstrel show.

Charles Keating Is Rolling Over In His Grave Right Now
Speaking about the financial crisis, John McCain said, “I have always been committed to the principle that it is not the duty of government to bail out and reward those who act irresponsibly, whether they are big banks or small borrowers.” He added, “And by ‘always’ I mean ’since 1991 or so’.”

Lunch At 2pm! What!
Hillary Clinton released about 11,000 pages documenting her schedules while she was First Lady. These documents prove without a doubt that reading other people’s 10-year-old schedules is incredibly fucking boring.

He Ended With a Shout-Out To Russell Simmons
In Philadelphia, Barack Obama gave a major speech about the racial divide in America. He began, “You see, black people complain like this, but whiiiiiite people….”

Obviously, She’s Thinking Rocky IV
During a campaign stop in Philadelphia, Sen. Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa, saying they’re both not quitters. Also, like Rocky, she’s going to lose to a black man.

Quite A Blow
Barack Obama will accept the Democratic nomination for president at Invesco Field at Mile High in Denver, instead of at the Pepsi Center where the rest of the convention will be held. Said a McCain campaign spokesman, “We saw this coming, since as we all know from reading his books, Obama prefers coke.”

Let This Title Serve As The Rim Shot
The League of Conservation Voters announced it will endorse Barack Obama for president.  The League of Conversation Voters has not decided on an endorsement yet, and said they still need to talk about it.

Palin Comparison
Sarah Palin said that Barack Obama provided few specifics in his thirty-minute infomercial.  Asked to describe what more she wanted to hear, Palin said, “I’m not going to say.”

Georgia’s Bringing Saxby Back
Saxby Chambliss won re-election in the Georgia run-off election yesterday.  He planned on celebrating by mocking a disabled man.

Vote Is Bond
According to a poll, 70 percent of Americans say President-elect Barack Obama should fulfill his campaign promise to withdraw U.S. forces from Iraq within 16 months. This poll was called “The Presidential Election.”

Read Part Two.

Ah, 2007. We remember it like it was only yesterday. Mainly because we wrote stuff down about it. Here are the 10 best posts from the past year.

He Was The Glue That Held Us Together In These Troubled Times
Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized.

Much Better Than Pie In the Sky
President Bush submitted his annual budget to Congress yesterday and predicted a surplus by 2012. He also predicted a Waffle House on the moon in 2013.

Tanking On Purpose
Right-wing think tank The American Enterprise Institute is offering $10,000 to anyone that can dispute an upcoming U.N. climate change report. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad agreed to throw in another $10,000 if they can prove that global warming was directly caused by the Holocaust not happening.

They Also Discuss Their Mutual Love of Bocce
President Bush teleconferences with Iraqi PM Nuri-Kamal al-Maliki every two weeks. During their meetings, they frequently talk about God. Upon hearing this, Eric Clapton said, “So that’s why my ears have been burning.”

A Real Body Of Evidence
Doctors found no cancer on the five small growths they removed from President Bush’s colon. They did find, however, that only two out of the five favored the job Bush is doing as President.

Whither Arsenio
Fred Thompson announced his candidacy for president on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. It was the best joke on Leno in years.

I’ve Got a Monk On My Back
A large number of monks in Myanmar have reportedly taken government officials hostage. So far they’re silent about their demands.

Nobody Expects a Middle East Peace Conference
The Bush administration has yet to release any details about the upcoming Middle East peace conference in Annapolis, MD to anyone, including the meeting’s participants. Said a senior White House official, “We believe that our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear … fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency … Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. Our four… no… amongst our weapons… amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, surprise… I’ll come in again.”

Tom Tancredo Denounced the Results
Former Indy 500 champ Helio Castroneves won Dancing With the Stars last night. Marie Osmond finished third, and experts believe this is because she never fully addressed the Mormon issue.

Bron-Y-Aur Stomp
Twenty million people have bid for tickets to see a one-off Led Zeppelin reunion concert in November. “In our experience, you should probably make sure you let them all in early,” said The Who.

Suck My Caucus returned after a long hiatus in 2006. In December of that year, we did not publish a “Best of Suck My Caucus 2006″ wrap up. This is because we only restarted the blog in November. Also, we hadn’t thought up the idea of going through all our posts and picking out the best ones. Since we’re publishing our “Best of 2007″ list today, we thought it’d be fun to put up our “Best of 2006″ list too. Especially because it’s easier to sift through 167 posts than 1,260.

So, retroactive to last December, here are the six best posts from Suck My Caucus in 2006.

T.G.I. Пятница’s
President Bush met with Russian Vladimir Putin over lunch at an airport in Moscow. This marks the first time the crisis in the Middle East has ever been discussed over a Sizzling Triple Meat Fundido.

Sending Him Off With A Single Finger Salute
As he bid farewell to the Pentagon, Donald Rumsfeld said the single worst day of his tenure as Secretary of Defense was when he learned of the prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib. He said his second worst day came six months later when everyone else found out about it.

Plus, It’s Grammatically Awkward
The British Foreign Office has advised the government to stop using the term “war on terror” as it might “increase tensions” with Muslims. Officials are advised instead to use the term “George Bush’s War on Terror.”

Was Samuel Gompers This Cute?
Wal-Mart Stores has issued a recall of 56,000 stuffed toys. They accused the toys of trying to organize a union.

This Joke Is Not The Only Thing Tasteless Here
According to a poll conducted by The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines, Britney Spears is the worst celebrity dog owner. Said editor Hilary O’Hagan, “And from the looks of it, she doesn’t take good care of her pussy, either.”

I Must Have Missed This Part At Sunday School
A virgin Komodo dragon is prepared to give birth to seven baby Komodo dragons at a zoo in England. There were also reports of three wise-looking boa constrictors coming to the zoo bearing gifts.