Suck My Caucus

Nothing can cover a historic event (or an historic event) quite like a blog that constrains you to 140 characters.  SMC covered the Inauguration on Twitter, and the results are, to be blunt, short.

• It’s like New Year’s Eve in DC. There’s a giant ball that will slide down the Wash. Monument & light up a sign saying OBAMA at noon.
• ACH, DRACUL!!! No wait, it’s just James Carville.
• Does Bush take the whole of the world coming together to celebrate Obama as a personal affront?
• Gergen’s sharing Andrew Johnson stories. BTW, I’ve been loving the little Obama cam CNN’s been showing. Only a little stalkerish.
• Person struck by Metro train at Gallery Place. & people wondered why I didn’t go to DC for the big day. http://is.gd/gzMo
• @NewsHour reports Bush left Obama a note in the Oval Office desk. It is signed, “Smell ya later! George.”
• SMC now confirms that Bush did NOT pat Michelle Obama on the tush after their photo shoot. He patted her in the lower back, ABOVE the tush.
• Wait, is Sandra Day O’Connor wearing leather? In honor of Ricardo Montalban? I may be making that up
• Hillary Clinton in the house! I think she just walked up to John Cornyn & punched him in the nuts.
• Obama to dine on replicas of Lincoln’s china. You know, I’m beginning to think Barack’s got a bit of an Abe fetish.
• Cheney in wheelchair. He accidentally let the door hit him on the ass on his way out.
• Obama & Bush head to Capitol Hill together. They were going to Metro it, but the Red Line’s closed.
• Red Line re-opened. Now’s your chance to get downtown!
• Wolf reports the presidential vehicle is a Caddy, “An American car.” Oh, product placement, you’re everywhere!
• Screaming as the motorcade passes the crowd. Bush decides to pretend it’s all for him.
• Is Scalia wearing a beret? Please please please please please please please please say yes.
• Okay, I’m going to watch the show. You’re watching it too, so you don’t my commentary. Have fun, y’all! (Bill Kristol excepted.)
• Our long national nightmare is over. Dick Cheney is now no longer vice president.
• They called it the White House, but that was only a temporary condition. You’re my piece of the rock & I love you DC.
• Barack Hussein Obama is now President of the United States.
• Follow THAT, poet!
• BTW, fun game. Count the # of times Bush thought to himself, “Hey, I’m sitting right here!”
• Did Bush just tell Obama, “I’ll keep in touch, I promise” or is my lip reading abilities really poor?
• I mangled that last Tweet, but I guess it’s my tribute to Bush as his helicopter takes off.
• It should go w/o saying that http://www.whitehouse.gov/ has been updated.
• Obama just signed his 1st president document, declaring today a day of “Total Awesomeness!”
• Wolf declares Obama’s penmanship is excellent. Ah, the best political team on television strikes again!
• BTW, a moment of silence for my laptop, because this huge, spreading crack in the screen means this is the last news event it will cover.
• Trying to decide between watching the Inaugural parade or the Inauguration episode of the West Wing. Oh wait, there’s no difference
• @marcambinder reports Obama is getting “an NSA-approved Blackberry.” It’s like a regular one, except you need to learn Navajo to use it.
• Both Byrd & Kennedy collapsed during the Presidential luncheon. Fucking weight of history.
• You know, Senator, if you’re unaware of what happened during the luncheon, perhaps you should not be talking to the press.
• Obamas & Bidens leaving the Capitol & heading for the motorcade. They’ve got a long night of unpacking ahead of them, of course.
• Getting ready for the parade. I can’t wait to see the Rush Limbaugh float!
• The motorcade is rolling. From the sounds of all the screaming, I think Miley Cyrus is accompanying the Obamas.
• The Obamas are out of the Caddy! The Obamas are out of the Caddy!
• Biden SO has a contact high.
• Oh, Gergen, you’re such a pessimist.
• The Obamas arrive at the White House, surprised to find the Bushes left behind all their horseshoe crab art.
• Obama’s got an ad running during the parade. Well, he’s no Vince from Shamwow
• Technological gimmicks are CNN’s Cialis.
• BTW, SMC’s 1,100th Tweet was a boner joke. Yes!
• CNN: Next – “Former Pres. Bush Lands in Texas.” Damn, it feels good to see those words.
• OK, this SMC reporter has to go do things like eat & feed his child. G’night, America!

Please be following the SMC Twitter feed to follow all the Inauguration fun.

Besides that, please watch our favorite clips of previous black Presidents.

Richard Pryor

Dave Chappelle

Eddie Murphy

SMC will be posting Inauguration Day updates on Twitter.  Assuming Twitter can handle every person on earth Twittering about Obama at the same time.

We’ve been tweeting like motherfuckers about the Blagojevich scandal, and here’s what we’ve written so far:

• IL Gov. Blagojevich arrested for trying to sell Obama’s senate seat. That is so fucking awesome.
• @suntimes link to the Blagojevich story: http://is.gd/aQs4
• SMC News Flash: Even Richard Nixon thinks Blagojevich is a shady moron & he’s been dead for over a decade. http://suckmycaucus.com/?p=5553
• Blago sez Obama seat “a bleeping valuable thing. You just don’t give it away..I’ve got this thing & it’s bleeping golden.” http://is.gd/aRS7
• @ColonelTribune Thanks for posting the PatFitz article: http://zi.ma/769a1e
• @NewsHour notes that Blago still has power to fill Obama seat. Wonder if he’s dumb enough to actually name Senate Candidate 5?
• RT @Chicago_Reader suggestion for the next governor: http://tinyurl.com/6hy26f
• RT @TheFix link about Blago: http://twurl.nl/7hc645
• BTW, here’s Blago’s indictment [PDF]: http://tinyurl.com/5qnlt7
• Seriously, READ Blago’s indictment. It is the greatest indictment ever! (RT link) http://tinyurl.com/5qnlt7
• OK, if you don’t have time to read the WHOLE indictment, the DOJ thoughtfully provides highlights: http://tinyurl.com/6h8ben
• Ambinder thinks Senate Candidate 5 is Jesse Jackson, Jr. http://is.gd/aRzA
• BTW, this SMC Twitterer once lived a 15-minute walk away from Friends of Blago. Of interest only to me, but still. http://is.gd/aSsg
• RT @VaENew: “my coworker re: Blagojevich: ’somewhere Plaxico Burress is saying, “what an idiot.”‘”
• TPM has qotd: “People in Chicago have repeatedly [said] that [Blago's] like George W. Bush but not as bright.” http://is.gd/aR7w
• @TheFix Blago scandal is the best because it COMBINES all other scandals, except for the call girls. Still bummed about that, actually. (in reply to TheFix)
• RT @WGNNews link: Visit Obama’s seat on eBay now before it gets taken down: http://tinyurl.com/67qw62
• RT @lynnsweet link: Obama didn’t know Blago was selling his Senate seat. What he should’ve said: “Fuck him.” http://tinyurl.com/6h4893
• People who say Blago arrest is a new political low: this is Illinois. The bottom of the barrel has a sub-basement.
• Front pages of Sun-Times special ed & today’s paper: http://tinyurl.com/5a24rv
• Front page of the Chi Trib: http://tinyurl.com/5dq5l9
• Can’t wait to hear tapes of Blago talking to Rahm. If the nets air them, they’ll be one long BEEEEEEEP.
• ABC reports that Candidate 5 is Jesse Jackson Jr. More reason for his dad to cry. http://is.gd/b0wE
• Obama calls on Blago to resign. (Finally.) Blago responds, “Innocent til proven guilty. Motherfucker.”
• RT @GrantGannon link. Just click on this link. It is SO worth it. http://tinyurl.com/blagorat
• We @ SMC call on Blago to stay in office as LONG as possible.
  

Chris Zammarelli live-Twittered Barack Obama’s first press conference since being elected president. Here’s how it turned out.

• Still waiting for Obama to show up to his 1st press conference as prezelect. If it’s 3AM, you can’t answer the phone at 3:15!
• If press applaud when Obama enters the room, you know McCain is gonna scream, “I KNEW IT!”
• Obama starts presser off by reminding us Bush is president. SMC are frigging seers! http://suckmycaucus.com/?p=5254
• Obama can’t stress enough Bush is still president. He is, as a journalist pointed out, still “The Decider.”
• No cabinet appts today. Damn, I was really hoping he’d name Lieberman ambassador to Belarus! (SMC stole that bit from McCain, of course.)
• Obama coy about who should replace him as IL Senator. Jonathan Toews, perhaps?
• @lynnsweet is playing injured! She is like a hockey player.
• First dog needs to be hypoallergenic. SMC recommends Samoyeds. DO NOT GET A SHIH TZU, BARACK!!!
• 1st question dodge since getting elected! When asked when upper-class can expect taxes to rise, Obama stresses tax break for everyone else.
• & scene. Remember, everyone: Bush is still president. Can’t stress that enough. Ta!

Americans looking for a souvenir to commemorate Barack Obama’s presidential election snapped up newspapers, forcing may publishers to print additional copies to keep up with demand.  “We haven’t sold this many papers in years,” a spokesperson for the Chicago Tribune said. “We may just keep re-running the November 5 edition over and over again to keep our sales up.”

Suck My Caucus’ Dan Filowitz was at Grant Park for the Obama rally on election night.

He live-Twittered, or whatever you call it, the proceedings.

Twitter had a hard time keeping up with all the posts, so we have the transcript of it for you after the jump.

Continue reading ‘Twitter And Tweet And Other Nerdy Things’ »

Suck My Caucus is your home for extensive election coverage.  SMC will be live-blogging the results as they come in, starting at whenever actual results come in.  We are not fucking Drudge, so don’t expect us to report exit poll results, okay?

In addition, we will have special coverage from Barack Obama’s rally at Chicago’s Grant Park tonight on our Twitter page.  We’re assuming it is going to be a pretty exciting event.  If McCain pulls off a win, though, we’ll offer first-hand coverage of the rioting.

Suck My Caucus: The Best Political Team Across the Series of Tubes.  All Shall Love Us and Despair!

Suck My Caucus’ Chris Zammarelli Twittered the final presidential debate last night.  This is not his best work, but keep in mind that he was playing the debate, Project Runway, and Dodgers errors drinking games all at the same time.

• At least one SMC writer is skipping the debate to watch Project Runway. Spoiler alert: Nina & Heidi totally make out.
  
• @sbones John <3 Sarah! (In response to this.)
• McCain needed to be perfect tonight & instead he sounds like the doddering, lost old man the late nite comics portray him as.
• Shit, that was close to actual punditry. I wonder if I qualify a check & a talking points memo from the DNC now.
• At some point, McCain is just going to scream, “Get off my lawn!!!”
• Must stop Twittering. #debate08 is totally bogging it down. Just like McCain’s campaign! Ha, SNA-AP!
• Since that last tweet was so awful, I’ll let you know that the Phillies just scored on an absolute clusterfuck of a play by the Dodgers.
• Wow, another error from the Dodgers lead to another Phillies run. The Dodgers are playing the way McCain is debating.
• Stupid Herbert Hoover. Thank goodness FDR cleaned up after him, eh, John?
• Both Obama & McCain are smirking @ each other an awful lot. Who do they think they are, Bush & Gore?
• Ooo, where do you get the gold-plated health care? That sounds… shiny!
• Sen. Government for President in 2012!
• John, who grew govt so much during the past 8 years? Like, did govt grow so big in just the 2 years that the Dems were in charge?
• Ooo, abortion question. Time to switch back to the baseball game. Nudge me when they discuss the 10 Commandments in schools.
• Tea Leoni & David Duchovny are separating? I hear Madonna’s available! (I don’t know who that comment is aimed at.)
• I missed the rest of the debate. I’m assuming that McCain’s comeback is complete & the campaign is competitive again, right?

Suck My Caucus’s own Dan Filowitz Twittered the presidential debate.  All times Central.  And, as usual, Dan tends to hate the moderator the most in these debates.

8:05pm: Lots of standing and sitting …. Advantage, not-old-guy

8:09pm: First guy to sit on an audience members lap wins!

8:10pm: Headline: McCain kicks Tom Brokaw in the throat.

8:15pm: Headline: McCain loses the vote of people named Freddie or Fannie.

8:20pm: I think McCain says to stabilize the housing market he wants to buy more houses … Don’t you have enough, sir?

8:25pm: McCain is winded only 25 minutes in … Call a timeout!

8:26pm: FYI – Tom Brokaw looks orange in HD.

8:30pm: Brokaw is a scold. Give the next guy who goes over a minute a time out.

8:33pm: Rudy is going to sue Obama for using 9/11 in a debate.

8:37pm: McCains jello on the wall joke: FAIL

8:40pm: I’ve got a job program: train Americans to be debate moderators. Our current ones suck.

8:45pm: Brokaw is FUMING. Lesson: don’t ever be late to dinner at Brokaw’s house.

8:51pm: Everyone in the room is McCain’s friend, except for Obama, and Brokaw.

8:55pm: Thought exercise: if McCain said “I agree with Senator Obama” what would explode?

9:02pm: The greatest force for good in history: ben and jerry.

9:09pm: I agree with John – we need a cool hand at the tiller. That’s why I’m voting for Paul Newman.

9:18pm: Um, didn’t McCain crash three or four planes during his military career? Responsibility?

9:20pm: Okay, McCain said Obama was right about something. My left eyeball exploded.

9:36pm: Final verdict: I win. I always win. Wu Tang is for the kids.

See that area on the right side of our page, where it says “Twitter Updates”?

Sure you do, it’s right over there. No, your other right. There it is.

The SMC staff uses the Twitter micro-blogging function whenever there’s a big political event, like the primaries last night.

See what the SMC staff have to say, in real time, whenever politics happens. The part of you that feels good when you laugh will thank the rest of you if you do. We promise.

Follow us on Twitter

Chris & Dan Twittered last night’s coverage of the Super Tuesday results. Follow us at http://twitter.com/suckmycaucus for live updates of major events. It’ll be the only political coverage that calls states before the voters even go to the polls.

Chris: CNN calls GA for Obama based on Lou Dobbs’ trick knee or something.

Chris: CNN: McCain’s got CT & IL, Romney’s got MA, Obama’s got IL, Clinton’s got OK, & Ron Paul’s got the 10 1/2.

Chris: CNN: McCain wins Jersey. I knew that pass from Manning he caught in the Super Bowl would give him a bump.

Chris: Bennett: GOP committing Trotskyism against McCain. Roland Martin: Reagan is not Lazarus. This IS the best political team on television!

Chris: Huckabee, Clinton win AR, & Clinton wins TN. Anyway, David Gergen sounds like he’s gargling when he speaks. Swallow, man!

Chris: MSNBC calls DE for McCain. This means he doesn’t have to pay tolls on I-95 for the next 4 years.

Chris: SMC is going to project AL for Obama. You know why? Because why should Wolf have all the fun?

Chris: MSNBC calls MA for Clinton. At last, Ten Kennedy’s icy grasp on that state has ended!

Chris: CNN gives NY to Clinton. Scorecard in Clinton home states: 2 out of 3.

Chris: MSNBC calls DE for Obama and AL for Huckabee. You can call me AL too.

Chris: Man, sorry about the AL joke. And misspelling Ted Kennedy’s first name.

Chris: CNN calls NY for McCain. A great win for him since he overcame being endorsed by Giuliani.

Chris: MSNBC FINALLY calls AL for Obama. Honestly, we called it 41 MINUTES AGO. Honestly, Keith…

Chris: Howard Fineman was smart until he started talking about stuff I know about.

Chris: “Where is Romney country?”, Chris Matthews asks. Answer: not in the country.

Chris: CNN: Clinton wins Jersey. I knew that pass from Manning she caught in the Super Bowl would give her a bump.

Chris: Yeah, it wasn’t funny the first time either.

Chris: Man, do I want to stay up until the AK polls close? BTW, SMC is calling Idaho for Obama. Because this Twitterer is totally biased.

Chris: Romney wins UT. CNN probably didn’t even wait till the polls closed to call that one.

Chris: NBC gives McCain OK. McCain once said, “Sooner, later you’re gonna be mine.”

Chris: MSNBC & CNN call ND for Obama. BTW, ND is the home of two America’s Next Top Model winners.

Chris: Why is everyone shocked that Obama lost MA? He never led there. Crickey…

Chris: Huckabee says one smooth stone is better than all the armor in the world, which hopefully isn’t his Iraq policy.

Chris: MSNBC gives KS to Obama. See, Patrick, *Sebelius* can move voters! (Sorry, thought I was a TV pundit for a second.)

Chris: Terry McAuliffe on MSNBC. Oooo, this is always death.

Chris: CNN calls CT for Obama. Now *that’s* a surprise. Remember CT’s motto: “The middle T is silent.”

Chris: He’s used it a couple of times today, but I love Huckabee’s line about Romney flip-flopping on whining.

Chris: “Who is going to win California?” Chris Matthews asks. Clinton. Next!

Chris: Romney says, “This campaign is going on.” Hope his kids didn’t need their inheritance money…

Chris: CNN calls MN for Obama. Between ND & MN, I’m thinking he’s got a huge Scandinavian following.

Chris: Mitt: “And they haven’t” isn’t as catchy a slogan as “Yes, we can.”

Chris: MSNBC calls UT for Obama & GA for Huckabee. Must… not… mention… David O. Russell…

Chris: CNN calls AZ for McCain. You knows it!

Chris: All candidates have won their home state in today’s elections. Except Paul, because TX didn’t vote today. & because he’s not viable.

Chris: CNN projecting Romney wins ND. I didn’t know he once lived there!

Chris: Polls closed in CA. We won’t know who wins that until… Friday, I think? I’ll get some sleep before then.

Chris: CNN gives MN to Romney. Uff da!

Dan: I just got home … Romney wins Minnesota … Did Jesse the Body endorse him?

Chris: SMC is calling AZ for Clinton. No reason. Just wanna.

Dan: I like the idea of Super Delegates .. Do they get capes?

Dan: I’m going to call Missouri … What’s the area code?

Dan: Hey CNN, you do political coverage, leave the jokes to us … Actually, leave the coverage to us, too

Chris: Chesapeake primary, Potomac primary, Beltway primary. Call next Tue. what you want. I call it the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl primary.

Dan: Georgia goes to Huckabee … Mostly because he once killed a gator on live TV

Dan: Do you think Jon King took telestrator lessons from Mike Fratello?

Dan: Cindy McCain = GILF … Not a typo … She a grandma, yo

Dan: Obama wins Utah and Colorado .. They shout out “See, we are SO not racist.”

Chris: Clinton wins AZ & MO. AZMO was Isaac Asimov’s nickname, you know.

Dan: Obama sounds a little more Dr. King-y than during the debate, right?

Dan: “Si se puede!” would be a cooler chant for Obama’s people to do

Dan: Obama: “we are the ones we’ve been waiting for” … He’s right … I’m gonna go masturbate

Chris: I wonder if McCain was finished w/ his speech before MSNBC cut to Obama?

Chris: MSNBC: Romney wins in MT. Huckabee wins TN. Looks like FOX online was premature in calling MO for Clinton. Sucker MCs.
(Note: FOX online’s article was from AP, so AP is the one who fucked that one up.)

Dan: How did CNN let Ari Fleischer on? He probably told them he was Tony Snow.

Dan: CNN calls California for Hillary … She reminds me of sunshine, too

Dan: SMC’s Illinois office is calling it a night … Democrats played the “unsettled race” card

Suck My Caucus is now Twittering, which is sort of like blogging for people with attention deficit disorder. You can follow us at http://twitter.com/suckmycaucus. Last night, Dan & Chris Twittered the debate between Sen. Hillary Clinton, Sen. Barack Obama, and Wolf “I Am a Massive Tool” Blitzer. Here are the results:

Chris: Gearing up for tonight’s debate. Expect to see Mike Gravel burst in half-way through like a senile, non-racist Kramer.

Dan: Debate prediction: no one eats any watermellon

Chris: Dem debate set on CNN looks like the Jeopardy set. Now if Wolf shaves that beard…

Chris: The LAT still has a Washington bureau? I thought the Tribune Co. cut that.

Chris: Dear John Edwards, Please Endorse Me. Love, Hillary Clinton. Dear John Edwards, Please Endorse Me. Love, Barack Obama.

Dan: Which one of them can get it to stop snowing in Chicago? I vote for that.

Dan: The set needs more red, white, and blue.

Dan: Hillary isn’t taking notes … She’s just practicing her presidential signature

Dan: On the topic of “turquoise jewelry” Hillary is the clear winner

Chris: You know, if John Edwards had really good ideas that Americans would respond to, he wouldn’t have needed to drop out…

Dan: Ted Kennedy has confidence in Barack Obama, and in Johnnie Walker

Dan: Wolf wants them to fight .. They should fight Wolf instead … THAT would be debatearific

Dan: George Costanza in the house! Costanza is against mandates, too.

Dan: That Hillary, she speaks so well … (you see what I did there?)

Dan: “I have a black question …Senator Obama, you want that one?”

Chris: Uh, it’s not immigrants coming into the US that cost people jobs. It’s the factories moving OUT of the US that costs people jobs.

Chris: Sorry, that wasn’t snarky, was it?

Chris: Looks like Hillary & Barack both believe McCain is going to win the GOP nod. Can’t Mitt get a little love? From Cuban women, preferably?

Dan: Hillary just said that Republicans want to make Jesus a criminal … That rules

Chris: Not only would Jesus Christ & the Good Samaritan have been punished under that mean immigration law, so would Buddha & L. Ron Hubbard.

Chris: Wolf must be mad that Barack & Hillary aren’t fighting. ANDERSON got Mitt and McCain to fight!

Dan: They all say “comprehensive” as often as Sam Jackson says “motherfucker”

Chris: I think Hillary’s & Barack’s responses to the Mitt Romney question can be summed up this way: “Fuck Mitt. Fuck him right in the ear.”

Chris: Got Kennedys?

Chris: I wonder if Politico will let me ask if Barack Obama is in favor of hockey fights?

Dan: I think they really like each other … They should kiss … I’m talking about Wolf and Obama

Dan: Obama got jokes!

Dan: I vote for Pierce Brosnan … He’s MANLY, for real

Chris: And we’re back from that car ad to talk about Iraq.

Dan: Flipped to TNT during the break … Charles, Kenny, and Ernie should host the next debate

Chris: Such a diverse race. Our candidates: a woman, an African-American man, a Mormon, and… a really old white guy. Man, McCain’s gonna win!

Dan: They both basically agree – can we vote for both of them?

Chris: Wolf, you’re trying way too hard to get them to fight. If you look around & don’t see the asshole on stage, then you’re the asshole.

Dan: Wolf keeps saying “swipe” … Wolf should go swipe himself, in the penis.

Chris: This has been a really good debate. I can’t wait for the DVD to come out. Special features: a look at Wolf’s beard grooming techniques.

Chris: Topher Grace, trying to look smart with a beard. Wolf says, “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE BEARD!” He will eat Topher’s heart out.

Dan: We’re not going back to “imminent threat” are we? Blech.

Dan: Wolf Blitzer is an asshole .. Hillary should cock punch him

Chris: Man, Hillary is giving Barack the look of death right now. She hasn’t even blinked in a whole minute! Creepy!

Chris: Barack against censorship. That means Spielberg is going to add extra skeletons in his next movie!

Dan: Stevie Wonder asks “which one is the black one?”

Dan: I love the Hillary over-laugh .. She could be on the Fox NFL pre-game show with Terry and Jimmy

Dan: Co-President?

Chris: Hey, Craig T. Nelson got to sit behind Chelsea Clinton! I bet he totally kicked the back of her chair whenever Barack spoke.

Dan: Aaaw, he pulled her chair out for her … Love fest 2008!

Chris: I don’t know who won the debate, but I know one thing: Wolf totally lost it.